It Isn't Regret
by Tatteredcover
Summary: Black has left white for another person he claims to love, but this man he is spending his life isn't giving him what he craves in life leaving him unsatisfied with love, he constantly goes back to white deciding whether to stay or not


The sun glistening on the walls said it was morning, no dust gray shade but a crisp yellow brightening with the ivory surroundings, it was late in the morning. Turning with difficultly towards the clock red flashing lights warned about the alarm set to five, snoozed in a black abyss of time he could no longer self-consciously remember. Setting the flashing neon rouge color off he was greeted with half past nine o'clock. It was time to go. He had overstayed his welcome and Gerald would be questioning his motives right about now, he couldn't let that psychopath get jealous, life was only harder with that white cloth drenched man weeping and yelling for each step he'd take around him. Trying to get up he realized he couldn't the nude body below him wouldn't hear of it. The night before come flooding back moth eaten, his destroyed mind couldn't fully recal. One thing that remained untainted by his crumbing mind was who was lying on him, with sun kissed skin painted with scars he had given him, the long thick locks of white hair he could never help but run his hands through, the ice blue eyes that at times managed to melt his heart, the constant sneer on his face. He wouldn't let himself forget about his enemy, about his love, he couldn't forget no matter how desperately he tried about Allan Cunningham, about Spy White.

~They were at it again. His knife against the man's throat ripping and tearing relentlessly at his shoulder receiving back muffled moans of pleasure. The touches though were unsatisfying, went too fast-too quick for his taste, he was no Sherlock Holmes but the mans speed whispered nothing more than 'let's get this shit over with' but he didn't care about it he needed release from the captivating heat, he was only human. They were back in motion, Spy Black known to the body sprawled before him as husband, as Matthew Nelon. He prepared the other before realising that his partners mocking moans of the same note meant he was now on autopilot, face emotionless holding the same flaccid look when they passed 'I love you' it was apparent now it was only three useless words thrown rather than cherished. He stopped there. He dried his hands of his saliva based lubricaant leaving Gerald without either speaking words of resistance. Passing through the oak door he was slightly aware that he wasn't going to be coming any time soon with that in mind he hesitated before walking out. Like most of his midnight walkings he wasn't thinking where he was going his feet knew best anyhow they would be fine as his cloudy mind sought a single slit of light.

He half-expected to wind up through bar doors demanding that bartender keep the drinks of heavy liquor coming before ending the night with his first breaking into someone's face. Instead looking around the lampposts changed their disfigured hue of rustic yellow to sharp cornered bright white lights, turning on with his motions, turning off instantly when he was well out of side. Gazing around the small houses transformed into sky high buildings known to be empty on the inside. He had crossed the line into another world he still belonged to; even away from this territory he kept the dark clothing façade nothing compared to his actual uniform left behind so said promised never to be seen again.

That promise fell flat as the hand crafted synthetic leather material slide onto him. The chilling skin welcome the frosted touch, he himself couldn't help but preen into the broken mirror at the sight of the colorless tie fitting perfectly with the rest of his outfit, slipping on the barely heeled dress shoes he was positive now he had never left. The time spend in another world was a creation of his overheated imagination induced by his idiotic thoughts of craving a simple life, all a dream he probably had while his body was repairing itself after another nasty fight with someone who knew his stuff when it came to killing. However the hurting pain racing across his chest when mentioning Gerald told him it was one thing to forget and another to blindly lie to himself. Staring at his old phone he wondered if he would regret anything he did here.

It took only a few seconds before he answered, the sound of his voice with a simple hello froze him and filled his own heart with a distraught feeling. The yell across the line made it clear he was hanging up on the stranger that should fuck off, it made sense no caller I.D no familiar numbers only a sign that one was coming in. The ruffling noise warned him it was now or never.

"White." It was barely over a crusted whisper. Stings came flooding from the back of his throat as his pupils began to burn.

"Black." He responded, his voice too was flat. Unable to speak any further than the man on the other side of the phone that had now began to shake as always within that world. "Cloak." The words tangled themselves between statements and baffled questions. "Ma-" Stumbling badly somehow afraid of saying that name. "Matthew" he managed to say in disbelief, unaware of a smile crawling onto his face. "Black is that fucking you?" He started, waiting for a reply, the knock at the door brought him back from his anticipation, the phone blank, discontented by the other line. Hope and semisweet joy disintegrated immediately, picking himself together and up to answer the person at the door hand clutching the gun from his back pocket, ready, loaded, and cocked. No disruption even a sweet one could bring his embassy trained mind off guard. Once his hand landed on the knob the door itself flung open and the gun shot off, quick movement made him miss his Doppler gangers heart, the bullet passing it, dragged and lost in the night. The butterfly knife was now aimlessly gripped at going to defend the pitch black mass forcing itself onto him, the intruder would have been blind if his reflexes didn't freeze to the misshapen hands grasped around him and the burnt order it was giving off. His own scared hands wrapped around him. Both fell to the ground holding each others sides tighter.

"White. " His had let his mind wonder in a psychotic bliss for long enough he was here without knowing his motives or even if what he was unconsciously going after was still there, fuck his soft growing heart, it was already on the edge of shattering whether he wanted to admit it or not, and he was not going to drown into sea of desire to realize it was only quick sand transformed into an oasis by his clinging dreams of being able to love and be loved like he once had and prayed desperately to no God still was. He knew that answer but here he was always wrong, just once he had to be proven right. "White." He pulled away from any psychical contact from the light dressed man before fumbling on. "White. Do you love?"

It was the way he spoke when shoved into insanity, in slurring riddles he had read about once before, no one else understood when his eyes lost all shine and wondered into dark matter, he did though. He understood his enemy and every thought dark or pleadingly vulnerable as he was now. He reached forward to the man he might just end up confessing that this moment had been dreamt for years. "I love." He began reaching for him, drawing the crumbling man into him wanting his child's soul to stay a while longer before leaving in his usual pissed off 'don't you fuck with me' countenance. "I only love you."

Their lips clashed together, both melting under the touch, Matthew more barely aware that this feeling given by Allan overwhelmed him in a single kiss than Gerald ever could.

"I love you White." The answer from him told him were to go, what to do and what was going to be done. "I love you Allan Cunningham." He said moving on to what he craved. Gerald, that was once in the back of his mind was soon enough forgotten with the knowledge that he wasn't going to regret anything of this, let it be a chat, sex, anything would be a bliss memory between them and never be rotted like his other constant traumas of life. They didn't say anything else for that moment. Actions anyhow as they both knew through years of blood shed spoke louder than words. The open door was shut even among the mist of everything an open door in the middle of the night in this shadow world let any killer into it without any questions asked. He remembered the other mans house, knew its cracks better than his own, as far as either one would ever care this was his actual home, where he belonged. Matthew, he tossed that name along with Gerald's leaving Allan gone as they went to work, the huffed puffs of air and groans whispered out only their colors as they had done million times before, but only occasionally make love such as this, drenched in each others sweat, sucking in humid air of each others heavy breathing, eyes shut in pure bliss frantically gasping for air and mumbling out distantly how much they needed one another. A stumbled conversation began to form in between them.

"B-black" White tried to get out without moaning with no success he could care less about how audible he sounded he was close to reaching his climax and needed Black to hear him now before they fell asleep together only for him to jolt awake only a few hours later realising that it was still night and that the man he loved with all of his heart had left yet again to spend the rest of the night and life with different significant other that hurt him, crushed him, and had changed him in so many ways not only from the man that knew and fallen in love with but from the man he actually was, manipulating his feelings and claiming to not know he was doing it. He didn't care as he did before as long as Black went crawling back to that psycho he would have him running back into his arms and no matter how short their time lasted it would be cherished but either way it was something that he couldn't deal with for much longer. He had to say something. He tried to talk again, each words smothered in his pleasurable moans."Black," He gathered his attention, his dark chocolate eyes creaming to light brown once their gazes locked.

"Yes…White?" His body didn't slow down continuing to thrust into the man gripping his sides from the rushes of euphoria.

"Black…. B..Black…I love you." His back arched and he was close, he hunched back down trying to make his orgasm delay. "Please…s-stay here… be mine…don't leave me again." Tears began to form around the corners of his eyes, he couldn't control them from dripping down his face. He was going to say more, was going to say that here he would be loved here everything would go back to normal including his personality, he could kill again, be with friends and family, live the simple life he knew he craved, and he would kill him without mercy when on the job, and love him like this in their isolated time from the world they both belong to, not separately but together, as one.

Black's hand left White's side, going up to wipe away the clear scars before kissing him deeply, telling the man in scattered puffs of air that he loved him to and that he would stay as long as he could. That was all White needed to hear as they both reached their point of pleasure screaming each others name in unison. Collapsing simultaneously on the bed. More words were meant to be spoken but the aftershocks rippling through their body were to much even for any slight words. White shifted on top of Black laying on his chest using the last once of his energy to cover them sloppily up before passing out. Matthew, the name sounded cryptic here, it was normal to use it, to be labeled underneath it, he watched Allan slumber mumbling sweet nothings under dream intoxicated breath occasionally smirking and full out smiling in satisfaction. His right hand wondered over his toned back before firmly resting there. His dominant left hand worked the nightstands drawer open knowing it was going to be empty, as always he was wrong. He pulled out the carton of cigarettes he had left on his last visit positive it was more than a month ago, his love hadn't found it in him to throw them away and he thanked him for that lighting one up watching from the bedroom window the dancing lights from other spies throwing loaded dice against death and the stars he knew weren't fake, or at least hoped weren't. His death stick smashed head first into a still abyss on the nightstand joining the rest of ashy tattoos he had placed there accumulated in the lower corner. He looked back into Whites' face one final time before closing his orbs and drowning into a darkness accompanied and safe.~

White woke up assuming night, found guilty as the bronze light sent his vision black. His plan was to catch Black during the middle of the night force him to stop by any means possible to stay 'till morning or at least until he fell asleep once again lying with him, listening to his bipolar beating heart, and his misshapen hands he'd grown to love holding him close as if saying, reassuring he wasn't going to leave. His pale blue eyes switched restlessly around the room finding nothing, he didn't dare move knowing that this bittersweet devastation would keep him in bed if depression didn't put a gun in his mouth first. Along the air he could smell his cigarettes, still looking around he understood he was alone looking frantically around without moving hoping he was in the bathroom, kitchen, living room, or on the porch on his way back. There was no sign.

"Are you expecting someone?" Black's rusted voice called out shaking the man out of a constant nightmare of never seeing him again. The man was still there, still in bed and he was idiotic enough not to notice. He looked up and saw his smiling face and glistening eyes whispering this was real. He shook his head answering his question before laying back down on his chest debating whether or not to ask something himself. His mouth went to work before he could stop it.

"How long are you going to stay this time" Only a few more minutes came to mind.

"A few days, maybe a whole week. Maybe an eternity. " He spoke out, running his hand through White's hair occasionally running it down his back making no quick movement enjoying the time that was being spent there.

"What about Gerald?" Yes Matthew what about the one you left me for? What about the one you love more than me, what's he going to think, what's he going to do? You still have him, you love him and need to go back to him.

"He wouldn't notice if I was dead I doubt he'd care if I went missing for a couple a days even half a year." He said smiling. White couldn't fully believe him, this seemed to sickly sweet to be real for him to stay, be his and listen to his babbling pleas. He kept staring at him expecting to open his eyes to darkness reliving another one night stand. At that moment Black pitched him from his distant thoughts. "C'mon White let's see if Sinestro will give me my job back, don't feel like dealing with Jaguar for the while maybe by the end of the month but not now." He told him with a growing smile still not lifting himself up the bed too in love with everything falling back in to place, he could forget about the world and dwell in this one afraid of nothing, not even the darkness for he, his mind, and his heart had found that slit of light.


End file.
